Abundant Gratitude

I would first like introduce myself by sharing that I have been a practicing Buddhist since I was 11 years old.  I grew up believing in and witnessing the phenomenal universal powers of chanting Nam myo ho renge kyo, a mantra so profound that for me what many people would call extraordinary manifestations of spiritual mysticism  – became ordinary for me. It is my devotion to the Mystical Law that has guided and protected me throughout life. It is also this practice that guided me to develop and articulate my artistic abilities- which is now profoundly synonymous to life. Life is Art and Art is Life.

The experience I am going to share with you began in 2004 at the age of 32 when I was diagnosed with MS – which was also the week I was completing my Master’s thesis. However immediately after grad school I was offered a Lecturing Professorship teaching art at Clark Atlanta University. 2004-2008 I remained pretty medically stable. Yet because of my fear of judgment, rejection, and ridicule I didn't tell many people in Atlanta except people I sincerely believed I could trust. I withheld my secret for years. I  was living in a state of protective projectile fear and judgment. In retrospect I wasn't living in the moment. From 2004 to 2008 life was good  I was given exceptionally high ranking teacher evaluation scores, I had a student mentee that was doing exceptional in her area of study, and I also had health insurance.  Then the recession hit Clark Atlanta  University and there was a mass layoff which also included me. I chalked it up to I was spending more in medical insurance annually than I was earning in annual salary. I was rehired as an adjunct professor.

In July 2009 I was nominated by Leah of the R.I.S.E collective to received a scholarship to attend The Alternate ROOTS Annual Meeting, the conference was beyond amazing! I felt so artistically inspired,  spiritually connected, and in constant alignment with my purpose. The collected vibrancy of the ROOTS community, radiated with such love, belonging, and support. It was the one of the most reflective arts communities I'd been a part of in more than 10 years. Yet while there I began to feel the onset of a lapse but I refused to acknowledge it fully. Its always been my style to persevere through adversity with a smile. I believe everything does happen with/for a reason. 

On September 9 I woke up eagerly ready to go back to work but my legs would not function properly. Two days later, walking was not the only thing that was not functioning properly; I began to experience severe memory loss, I couldn't remember my bank pin numbers, people’s names, and even things I had just done two seconds ago.  I was unable to write my name,  reading and pronouncing things became a challenge.  By the end of the week I was in a wheelchair. But out of all of that, the one thing that devastated me the most was my inability do gongyo which I had been doing since I was 11 years old. – (Gongyo is  Buddhist morning and evening recitation of the Lotus Sutra and prayers).  The only thing I could do with full comprehension was chant the mantra Nam myo ho renge kyo.  I would chant for hours. I began to surrender that this relapse was a profound opportunity to rebirth myself. I had to relearn basic things like walking, talking, eating, and bathing but more profoundly I had to learn how to put myself first with radical acceptance. I was fortunate to be living in a communal art house at the time and once I finally told my housemates of my challenges, they immediately responded with abundant love and generosity. 

On September 21 I experienced a definite “paradigm shift” in my thinking, being, and focus.  I dove into wanting to understand why these challenges were happening to me.  I immediately went back to my old habit of judging myself and over evaluating all the things I must’ve done incorrectly to cause this to happen to me. In the mist of my downward spiral. I came across a Buddhist quote that says “you cannot judge a persons spiritual practice by the obstacles in their lives but what you can judge is how they overcome the obstacle....  I was finally able to get a doctor’s appointment on Sept 29th for an MRI test. At that appointment the doctor explained his concern about the possibility of damage to my brain tissue. The doctor also for my sake did not review the MRI with me and strongly suggested that I not see it. So encouraged by the visit I came home around 5 pm and chanted till I fell asleep. I knew this was a great opportunity to challenge my fundamental darkness and turn this into a bright moment for my life and the lives of people who suffer from chronic illness. I affirmed what was difficult would take me a day to overcome and what was impossible would take me a week. By courageously committing to my goal on October 8th I was walking.

By setting this goal I began to have very prophetic dreams about how to articulate this experience into an art piece for my healing and as a catalyst for the healing of others. The piece is titled Resolved: The Beautiful Suffering of the Secret you Never Tell. A multimedia 3D performance piece that will overlap artistic genres as a metaphor for People United Across the Differences. The goal is "to utilize my art/life as a catalyst for peace, social accountability, and universal love.” This relapse in my health is an opportunity for me to honor my worth and despite everything always affirm life and love . I am filled with abundant gratitude for this experience.  With the most sincere appreciation I offer my most heart felt thanks to all my friends who showed up with an abundance of love, compassion, and supports through this moment. I love you. 

Marcia Jones
Visual Artist
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(launch 12.1.09)