They don't train you for this in graduate school...

I've been wrestling as a director lately in all the things I was left unprepared for - launched with a master's degree into the world at 28. Master’s degree is an inherently faulty degree for anyone still in their 20’s – cute title, but ‘master’ of little other then where to find the cheapest beer special, living on less then $15,000 a year, and writing mediocre papers. I came out with ideas I wanted to explore, a strong sense of my values, and a large tool kit. And while every tool is a weapon if you know how to use it right (Ani Difranco) - I’m doing my best not to damage myself or others with the tools I have while I’m trying to figure out how to use them.

I’m working out in the field – directing my 4th major project since graduating and in rehearsal on a 5th. Three of these directing projects have been the same show La Pastorela Yakima written by Jack Bentz. La Pastorela is a bilingual Mexican American Catholic Christmas play performed by a cast of 30-35 community actors and the script is based on their stories. As a director is has been an incredible blessing to direct the same show 3 times. It’s been an incubatory time to experiment –fix what didn’t work – try solving problems new ways –experiment with staging for a large cast - grow a vocabulary for ways of working with a dear collaborator – and begin to develop an authentic and  deep relationship to a community that I do not live in. I am an outside artist entering a community – that is very different from my own white monolingual Southern Baptist upbringing– and creating an opportunity for a grassroots participatory theatrical performance. It is participatory as actors are not only acting, they are assistant directing, building the sets, fundraising, and handling the publicity. It is a very homegrown theatre experience – that – at this moment, so close, I can’t see the full scale of it’s beauty.

I appreciate having the opportunity to know the personal lives of these community members. I spent thanksgiving in the home of one of our community producers and – if I was a poet I’m sure I could express the love and generosity in a different way, but I’m not, so I have simplistic words – families are families no matter the culture - full of love, tension, and really good stories about how they got scars. It’s the stuff that is at the heart of good story telling – or theatre-making.

This is currently my third year direction La Pastorela in Yakima, WA. Over 3 years I’ve learned about
storytelling,
working with first time performers,
the continual process of highlighting a person’s assets as a performer – drawing on their strengths,
trusting the community to know what makes sense,
the amazing opportunity/struggle of directing a show written in a language I don’t speak,
how to perfect the timing of a really great fart joke,
how to engage a cast of 35 adults and children to not look like a bored mess on stage,
how to say “yes” when I don’t agree but remain open to trying – the list could keep going.

And, for many of these lessons, the foundation was laid during my graduate education. How many times did Bob Leonard encourage me to “stay in the fire” with an actor, on in the moment of a scene and figure out the strongest action, a new way to communicate to bring forth an actor’s ability? How many times did we discuss the principles of engaging the cast with the same open and reciprocal principles that I engage in community development on a project?

But in the midst of paper writing, committee reviews, discussions of values and mission statements – there were lessons I didn’t know I would need to ask about concerning certain things.

Which is why I am writing now. I’m writing because I crave feedback and the opinions of my colleagues - or because I wanted to share with you what I’m struggling with because I love you and wanted you to know what’s going on in my life – or both.

Feel free to answer these questions.

Tonight was the first night I really began to think about what it means exiting this community. I have been working with some of these folks for 3 years now. How or Is the community changed from the impact of my work here? This question flared because of realizing the severity of a verbally abusive situation happening to a young cast member. While there is currently a social worker on the project, we can provide the cast member with resources, but whose responsibility is it to report this? And what are the possible consequences of what could happen to the young person as a result of ‘a nosey outsider’? When a teacher knows that child is being abused they are bound to report it. But a teacher is with a student on a regular basis. What about a politically minded artist who is only with a community for a short amount of time?

My heart was breaking tonight. Sitting with a young woman, who is smart – but has been dealt a really shitty hand in life. Under different circumstances and parenting she really could be transformed – but at this moment she is fully immersed into the logic of protecting the abuser. Sacrificing herself for the sake of an abusive parent-figure. She is angry, sad, and full of feisty teen-angst attitude – I offer love, support, and an ear/heart willing to listen – all the time wondering, should I give her space? Leave her alone to work through this on her own so she can come back to rehearsal? I decide to cancel rehearsal for her – making art/getting her to try and make art – at that point seemed unproductive.  What is my role? Make this the best piece of art or create space for humans to learn how to communicate and share their experience? These are intrinsically linked. I talk, she shares fragments of stories and cries a lot. I gave her a long hug when before she leaves. She admitted that no one really hugs her. I am not a counselor and fully aware that there is little I can do other then try and point her in a healthy direction.

Where do my politics meet the realities of what may happen to this young woman if we (the social worker and I) really walk down the path of trying to find resources for this teen? What happens in the immediate and long term in her home life?  

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In my heart – I make this work, not because I’m an artist and I’m interested in my own method of self-expression – I make this work, because I have hunger to make space for others to gather, celebrate, be creative. Because culturally we are hungry for opportunities of multigenerational Play. I chose theatre (or it chose me) as the vehicle to do this because it can be fun and requires a lot of people – it can not be created in an insular bubble. I am humbled by the moments of feeling the way that this work is truly an act of service when families share stories about the impact of being involved, mothers having something to do with their teenage sons, watching a young person grow in their confidence and self-esteem, or seeing adults play games for the first time in many years. The impact is all qualitative – measured in laughter and hugs. And tears. It’s one of the gifts I can share – the gift of playful space.

When I was in Mexico last year – one of the conversations I had with a group of ex-pats had to do with a deep desire as (white) americans to help foster a culture of ‘deep hanging out’. Ex-pat hippy talk for ‘building community’. That’s what La Pastorela does – it makes it easier to create because the Mexicans we are working with already have a culture of ‘deep hanging out’. But now this ‘hanging out’ has a creative focus of putting on a Show! Since the first year of the project one of the fundamental principles of the project was making space for people to have a really good time.  And we do that. Toddlers, noisy children, angst-y teenagers, really good parents, and all their cousins – gather for a few weeks to put on a fun christmas play. And now, near the end of a 3 year process, I have learned more about storytelling, community-engagement, language, culture, spirituality, and how to live in the world then I did during graduate school. I’ve made some really good friends who want to come and visit me and I want to visit them.  I learned lots of things in graduate school – but the hands on practice of being in relationship is not something you can get a degree in. This is the unspoken gift that I get from Yakima and my creative collaborative community here. I am still not a master of anything – but rather striving to be a humble student in my continuing education.

I’m restless. It’s transition and intensive learning. I’m open to responses to my questions. Reviewing what I wrote – it feels like the appropriate mix for ‘me’: Questions, struggle, reflection, and beauty.
I’m grateful for the moment to share this with you and if you managed to read all of it I’m really grateful!
I hope that the sun is shining on you where ever you are.

Love and gratitude~

ashley sparks
MFA Directing and Public Dialogue
ROOTS Chair